As is typical, the “Bachelorette” season finale is recorded in front of a live audience. We quickly learn, though, that for the first time in franchise history, the Bachelorette – Rachel – will be joining Chris Harrison on stage to provide commentary during the three-hour long episode. I feel like this is going to really annoy me, but I’m also sort of glad she has to sit through these three hours like the rest of us.
Before the episode begins, Chris Harrison shares that there is big news in Bachelor Nation, and I assume he’s going to share that Carly and Evan are expecting a baby, but instead he tells us that Juan Pablo asked him to announce that he is married. I’m guessing the only way his new wife agreed to marry him was if Chris Harrison made the announcement, because otherwise no one would care. I didn’t know I could hate Juan Pabs more until he added five minutes to what could have been an hour-long episode. But I do.
Once that nonsense is over, we begin the episode with the first of the two remaining fantasy suite dates. If you remember, we saw Eric’s two weeks ago.
FANTASY DATE TWO, PERFECT PETER
Back in Rioja, Spain, Rachel and Perfect Peter are still debating the same thing — Rachel desperately wants a proposal on national television at the end of this and Perfect Peter is interested in continuing to date after the show and will propose when he’s ready. You know, like how real relationships happen.
Rachel continues to be adamant, through tears and disappointment, that she is here for a proposal and nothing else.
In an attempt to console her, Perfect Peter thanks her for showing emotion because that is one of the steps in a relationship he feels leads to a connection worthy of a proposal. You know, like how real relationships happen.
Rachel tells Perfect Peter they have a lot of things to talk about and that they could have time to do that if he accepts the fantasy suite date card. Side note: The “Bachelorette” intern that wrote this card has impeccable handwriting.
Perfect Peter accepts the fantasy suite date card and the next morning, we learn that Perfect Peter has an aggressive number of aggressive tattoos, making me realize there weren’t a lot of pool or ocean scenes this season. And now I’m thinking about the bods on this season’s suitors.
But I digress. They say their goodbyes and Rachel prepares for her next fantasy suite date with Bryan, who is too old to be on this show.
FANTASY SUITE DATE THREE, BRYAN
Bryan, who is too old to be on this show, and Rachel meet at a winery, and I’m envious of how many Spanish wineries Rachel has been to in the last nine weeks.
As Bryan talks, Rachel tells us that PerfectPeter messed with her mind so she doesn’t know what to do. I understand, because if I had to hang with Bryan after spending the night with Perfect Peter, I would be distracted too.
Honestly, I’m more interested in watching my own Instagram story than I am listening to this conversation, so that’s what I do.
As the two sit down for dinner, Bryan claims that he felt “vibes” were off during the day and asks Rachel why. He says he has a “woman’s intuition” and I’m not sure he knows what that actually means, you know, since he’s not a woman.
Rachel offers Bryan the fantasy suite date card and after reading it aloud he agrees to join her with, “Yes. 1,000 percent yes” and again, Bryan, that’s not how things work. Percentages only go up to 100, which is where Rachel likes to keep it if I recall correctly.
When they get to the fantasy suite, Bryan tells Rachel he’s in love with her, sticks his tongue all the way down her throat and then gets up to lick his lips and shut the door. I imagine Rachel woke up the next morning dehydrated.
As Rachel addresses the final three, she looks directly at Perfect Peter and reminds us all that she is here to be proposed to. So, in case you guys forgot, Rachel is here for a ring on national television, regardless of who it comes from.
Rachel offers roses to Bryan, who is too old to be on this show and Perfect Peter, respectively, sending Eric, a personal trainer from Baltimore who definitely chugs protein shakes while yelling, “lower!” when making you do lunges, home.
When Rachel walks Eric out, he tells her he’ll always love her and then they kiss goodbye. Rachel has had the most amicable breakups this franchise has ever seen, with the exception of DeMario, of course.
At this point in the live show, Chris Harrison calls Eric to the stage to join Rachel on the couch. This has never been done before in the middle of the finale and I’m super bothered by it. Eric does look bangin’ in his fancy suit and full beard so maybe I’ll get over it. But probably not.
Their conversation is very polite and Eric claims that now that he’s fallen in love he’s gone from being a boy to being a man. Watch out, ladies.
FINAL DATE, BRYAN
After what feels like a month, we’re shown the final dates.
Rachel takes Bryan on a hot air balloon ride and quite frankly it would be more fun to jump out of an actual hot air balloon than to watch this.
Bryan tells Rachel it would be a mistake not to choose him because he loves her. What a wordsmith, this Bryan.
He gifts Rachel a handmade Spanish dictionary because he’s the worst. Or, “Lo peor.” Yes, I Googled that.
FNIAL DATE, PERFECT PETER
Perfect Peter arrives to meet Rachel wearing a green sweater that I want to make a Peter Pan joke about but, green is definitely Perfect Peter’s color. They are going to spend the day exploring a Spanish monastery. You know, because Rachel wants a marriage and marriages tend to happen in churches.
After speaking to the monk about love and marriage, the two of them make their way outside to discuss their feelings. Perfect Peter says in their future he can see football games, baseball games, farmers’ markets and wine and paint nights — so basically Perfect Peter is looking for a female bestie to take Instagram selfies with. I would know — the only reason I attend any of those things is for the Instagram shot.
He goes on to say he only wants to be married once and Rachel doesn’t feel like they’ve made any headway since their last conversation… because he still won’t propose to her on national television after nine weeks of knowing each other.
For the evening portion of this final date, Rachel arrives to Perfect Peter’s hotel room and they’re wearing the same sweater. Exactly what should be worn for a bestie Instagram selfie.
Rachel asks Perfect Peter how he is feeling after the rose ceremony and their day date. Shockingly, Perfect Peter hasn’t changed his mind from the last 312 times she’s asked — he loves her but he isn’t ready to propose the next day.
This conversation goes on so long, I open up a bag of Sour Patch Kids, because I feel like I’m watching a bad movie and I don’t have any popcorn.
Perfect Peter asks Rachel, “So, you know right here and now that I’m the man you want to spend the rest of your life with?” She tells him she can’t answer that. He asks her where they can go from there. He offers to go against his beliefs to prove his dedication to their relationship. She fears this means she won’t get a ring on TV and I guess they break up?
What is happening?
It isn’t clear, and now it appears that Perfect Peter will be joining Rachel on the couch during this live taping, and if this is their way of telling us Rachel chose Bryan, I hate this season more than Juan Pablo, Ben and Jason Mesnik’s combined.
It is. And I do.
When Perfect Peter comes to sit on the couch with Rachel, she blatantly moves as far away from him as she can and after PerfectPeter, with trepidation, shares that he’s “shaking like a leaf” because it’s been “radio silence” for months, Rachel lays into him. She claims that this show and process isn’t for him because he needs more time with relationships; that she’s frustrated with him; and doesn’t stop until he literally says, “I can’t answer these questions right now.”
They finally say goodbye and we can get back to the actual show we are here for. This Rachel and Perfect Peter interview is here for the wrong reasons.
Back on the show we actually turned the television on to watch, Bryan, who is too old to be on the show, meets with Neil Lane to pick out an engagement ring while Rachel gets ready in another sparkly gown with the leg slit up to her belly button.
Bryan arrives to propose to Rachel at “the top of the castle” according to my current worst enemy, Chris Harrison.
Bryan babbles the same thing he said to her the first night he stepped out of the limo. I don’t know what it is because it’s in broken Spanish. I think.
It’s so windy outside through all of this that I’m pretty sure one of Rachel’s fake eyelashes is going to fly away. Not one eyelash, but I don’t know enough about beauty to refer to them correctly. I’m assuming you know what I mean.
Bryan proposes and Rachel says yes, because he offered her a ring on national TV. They kiss. It’s still gross to watch. She offers him the rose and he says he’ll “1,000 percent accept,” which, again is not an actual percentage.
In case I haven’t mentioned it, I’m so annoyed at this finale.
Back at the live finale, Bryan joins Rachel onstage to make their relationship public for the first time and likely to just continue to aggravate me, Bryan re-proposes. Not only does Bryan make up words, percentages and languages, he now makes up new marriage traditions.
While they’re being interviewed as a couple, it hits me hard that this is Andi and Josh 2.0. If we’re being honest, it didn’t hit me until a friend texted me that, but she is 100 percent (not 1,000 percent) right.
The night ends with a preview to “Bachelor in Paradise” and I finally check my phone and social media — Bachelor Nation is as displeased as I am.
Eric, a personal trainer that definitely chugs protein shakes while yelling, “lower!” when making you do lunges.
Peter, I guess? I’ve been watching this show for 10 years and I am still not sure what that was.
LINE OF THE NIGHT
Honestly, the line of the night didn’t happen during the episode, it happened afterward. Please go immediately to Bryan’s Instagram and watch, with sound, Bryan’s post about the proposal.
As you know, I was certain that Perfect Peter would be the next Bachelor, but after Rachel told the franchise’s loyal fans he wasn’t right for the job, I’m not totally sure. Who do you guys think it will be? And more so, what did you think of the finale? Tweet me @abbydraper.
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